Where to begin… I am writing this BLOG, well, more of dictating it as my vision is not well enough to write this conventionally, as a writer should. In order for me to see well enough my computer monitor is a 46 inch LED HDTV and it is approximately 12-18 inches from my face, at any given time.
I have recently applied for and have been denied Medicaid/Social Security Services after having serious health issues from dealing with Covid-19 in June 2020… Since this happened. I cannot work. No work, no money, no money, no health insurance and then that emergency that we all dread happens…
I have been a type 2 diabetic since 2013. When the pandemic struck SWFL I caught Covid-19, around June 26th. By July 11th I needed to be hospitalized for Diabetic Ketoacidosis (where the body produces excess blood acids; ketones. This occurs when there isn’t enough insulin in the body. It can be triggered by infection or other illness.) & Pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas. It happens when digestive enzymes start digesting the pancreas itself.) I was in ICU for 36 hours and in the hospital for a total of 5 days. I lost 21 pounds over that time. I was already underweight.
3 days after I got home from the hospital, Macular Edema (blood vessels in the retina burst and bled into my eyes), set in. That took about a month to heal only for Diabetic Retinopathy (those same blood vessels that burst heal and are inflamed).
Usually requires anti-inflammatory shots into the damaged eye ball, in my case, both and laser surgery to burn away some of the excess scar tissue. These cost thousands of dollars without insurance, which I do not have. One must get treatment though.
I got my blood sugars down to near normal (high) levels. This means my blood sugar is still high, but for me, I used to walk around at 400. 500-600 is diabetic coma. 80-120 is considered normal. I walk around between 130-230, currently, fasted.
Taking care of my health was a full time job in and of itself before the pandemic. Now, I cannot work. I can only drive during the day. I cannot see well enough to drive at night. I have other medical issues stemming from this.
I am back in “ok” physical shape, but still limited. I look good on the outside and that is part of the problem. I feel the Doctors here are not seeing “the facts” and just seeing my physical look as a clean bill of health. I know there is some truth to this because my physicality comes up in the dialog. Blind is blind, it doesn’t have anything to do with me lifting up a car or not.
I have struggled with my diabetes from the start and now after Covid I am literally left with a mind/body/soul that doesn’t function at a, what was the pharse the denial letter used, oh yes…
“Based on a review of your health problems, you do not qualify for SSI payments on this claim. This is because you are not disabled or blind under our rules. Doctors and other trained staff looked at your case and made this decision. They work for the State but used our rules.”
I have had to make serious and big changes to EVERYTHING in my life.
My computer is now changed from dual 22 inch monitors to one 46 inch monitor. I have to make changes like this just to see well enough to do some things on the computer, which is pretty much how I make my keep or was…
I am still very blind. My vision has decent days and some days I cannot see much of anything. I can barely see my phone without a magnifying glass and the magnification is all the way up on it. I shouldn’t be driving at night. I have a few times… I am all over the road.
The best way I can describe my vision is take your phone and turn the brightness all the way down till you have to squint to see the icons. That is basically how I see at night. The power is turned way down. The retinopathy in my right eye is there are literal holes in my vision where the light is being bounced off my lens and all I can see is double vision in that eye on things that are distant. Distance is relative… You know like traffic lights, cars, street signs, the lines in the road.
Yet the Gov’t believes this is not an issue? Normal 9-5, Monday-Friday are out of the question, indefinitely. Not only am I not well enough for the grind, physically. My mental health is very questionable. I have had issues for years now. I have had about 20 jobs in 5 years. I have done a real number on my mental health over the past couple of years. Especially this last battle after Covid.
I have made huge strides in changing my life, my thinking and how I fit into the scheme of things. I have become more an introvert than an extrovert since getting out of the hospital. It’s getting close to a year now and I am nowhere near where I need to be to be well enough to worry about work right now.
I am trying to be more transparent. In the past it was easy, but now nothing feels safe. I am so worried about getting sick again and it throwing my health out of whack again that my anxiety takes over and I literally do nothing. I won’t leave the house, but at the same time I am so mentally exhausted, all the time… Not some of the time, all the time.
At the end of the day. I had to take 3 tests for social security… One for a physical, another for mental health and the last for vision. I could barely bend over at the physical. I cannot move around well, fast at all. I have to take my time a little now. Balance is definitely a problem. That was since Covid… Also with my diabetes and it being SWFL I cannot take the heat. I cannot do manual labor whatsoever anymore.
I cannot even workout in my garage anymore. I had to spend money I do not have on a gym membership just so I can lift a little weight under A/C. I can lift, sure but they are all controlled movements, it is a lot different than working outside in SWFL.
The mental health, yeah I am short tempered. Much more than a normal person. I forget things, important things, almost constantly. I cannot concentrate. The mental evaluation agreed that I was positive for Persistent Depressive Disorder & Intermittent Explosive Disorder all stemming from the PTSD I now have from this experience.
I am Persistently pissed off or sad, Persistently… When I Explode, which happens periodically aka Intermittently, its quite bad and it isn’t a safe situation for me or where my explosive mindset is directed at. I do my very best to avoid those situations and/or people who tend to gravitate to that.
I have had to heavily depend on medical marijuana. Other medications have serious side effects that could further complicate my diabetic state. I am not going to stop with this sort of treatment for a job where the company looks down at this as a form of medicine…
If I can be honest it has been working for companies like this for the past 20 years that led to the beginning stages of my mental health problems. As you hear a lot these days. “I do not people anymore.”
I might be able to pull off some part-time work in the future but right now. I need to get my vision and grip on both diseases; the diabetes and the depression.
Now the eyes… I have explained throughout this BLOG about my eyes. I have found a surgeon that has been giving me the injections for $40 a shot, once a month. That is reasonable. However, its one shot a month, on one eye. We have been treating my left eye. We have not yet begun treatment on the right eye, which seems to be the worse of the 2 and is the one I have the double vision in. I do not understand how I am labeled “not blind.” That alone should have been enough. Granted things are looking up but it is very much up in the air if this will improve my vision in the long game.
Now as of May 1st I have been disqualified by DEO for Unemployment/PUA benefits that I have been receiving since March of 2020. Now DEO has cut me off saying: “Claimant’s unemployment IS NOT A DIRECT RESULT of the PANDEMIC…”
Wait, what? Me being unemployed is VERY MUCH a direct result of the Pandemic. Just because, I was unemployed before the pandemic now we question if my unemployment has been caused by a direct result of Covid-19?
When the pandemic first started I was on my way to starting my own business for IT/Tech/Computer Repair Services. The pandemic happened and everything closed. Kind of hard to start a business with this happening.
Then late June rolls around… I actually get Covid-19… From that point to now. My life has been one foot in/out of the grave…
• I had to be rushed to the ER…
• I lost approx. 25% of my body mass…
• I lost my sight…
• I had to learn to walk again…
• My diabetes is touchier now than when it was…
• I can only drive at night due to poor sight…
• I can hardly bend over…
• I cannot handle the heat…
• I cannot stay focused on tasks…
• Digestive Issues…
• Sleeping/Waking Up…
• Extreme Mood Swings…
All this caused directly from Covid…
Yet, I am “Claimant’s unemployment IS NOT A DIRECT RESULT of the PANDEMIC…” When it comes to my current status… That little bit of money that was coming was the only monies that was coming in. If I do not qualify for other reasons then that would make sense but they are basically telling me I choose to stay home over go to work and refuse to look.
That isn’t what is happening…
I am not looking for work; because I cannot go back to work. I cannot go back to work; because I am no longer mentally fit to handle the daily stresses of “the grind.” I’m not looking for work; because I cannot see well enough to drive every single day and what if I have to drive at night? So, now I am taking chances with my personal safety and the safety of other drivers because; the state says I need to go back to work now. I am not looking for work; because my field is technical and it is hard to find technical jobs here, locally, that do not require me to drive an hour there and back each day. That is no longer an option.
So between my vision being very poor, my mental state being iffy at best, my physical condition where I cannot do any labor intensive work. How am I supposed to function, normally in society? I cannot do even a portion of what is required day in and out for me to function, for anyone to function, normally…
Would I go back to work if these issues were rectified? I would, yes, but under the circumstances that I am currently dealing with I do not see how this is practical, nor do I see how I am supposed to, “workaround” this?
While my eyes heal, I can gladly do some sort of online schooling where I can find something in my field, but doesn’t require, all the driving, stress of dealing with the grind and other people that put unwanted/unneeded stress on me that drives my diabetes out of control again.
I have to state that my diabetes is very much not in control.
That I am doing all I can to just keep my head above the water. I am not being giving the tools to get healthy and the few instances where I might get that help the State is eager to take away.
In closing I am unsure as to what will happen if I am left to my vices… Physically and Mentally I know I am losing the war. I get a battled victory here and there; but it is soon removed when something new/old comes around to take back their support.
I mean, it
would be much easier if the Gov’t just put up a bunch of portable gas chambers
so people who cannot win at life, being happy, stable, healthy can go in, put a
few coins in the machine and be gassed so people do not have to deal with you
anymore. I do not know if I would wait for my turn or not, but it is a thought.
It is said
that appearances do not mean a thing… I wish society would get that along with
my doctors that don’t assume good health; because Rollins Boy smashes some
weights here and there. Maybe I am cursed, ha. I don’t know if I believe in
curses or not but I do believe in this…
“Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.” ~ Arthur Conan Doyle